random feelings

It seems only a year ago I was in the same place that I am now. Feelings of hopelessness and despair. My heart aching over a lost love that I feel can never be. What in me was wrong what needs to change in my heart. I hurt from the deepest parts of my heart. My heart truly aches over a lost love. My heart aches for the pain I caused in the relationship, not knowing how to love a person the way they needed to be loved and all the while doing everything I knew how to do. My hope in Christ has not wavered like last year but I wonder about why this happened. Why did I fall so hard into a relationship that would never be. Why did I make promises that would never be kept. I feel now I am left alone with lonliness, pain, anger, and heartache. I know Jesus can heal this but what needs to change in me. What is the lesson. Lord I beg of you do not let me loose this lesson. I still know I serve a God who is control. I choose to bless the Lord in this season. There was a ray of light that was then smothered out by a dark cloud. How do I pray, where do I go for counsel, am I less of a man. Will I ever the desire of family and wife. Each day I grow older. Each day I am farther away from raising children. Is this Gods answer to me. I know that God is here in the midst of my pain but what is he teaching me. What does he want to say. Lord let me be in a posture to hear your voice. At times I feel overwhelmed with work, school, the apprenticeship. Where do I share my pain. Why is there anger rising up in me who am I angry at, Lord please help me navigate through the pain.